


Caution: You're Extremely Hot

by bansheee



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Barista Bram, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Simon, Oreos, Pining, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 06:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11285226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bansheee/pseuds/bansheee
Summary: All of the baristas at the coffee shop on campus were ridiculously hot. Simon thought it must have been a job requirement.-or-The Simon Vs. Coffee Shop AU no one asked for.





	Caution: You're Extremely Hot

“Oreo cappuccino for Simon!”  
  
Simon looked up from where he was reading his American Literature textbook. It was a Friday night and the shop was packed with students working on homework and chatting happily. Outside, the leaves were brown and the weather was perfect, and Simon wished he was doing anything else besides writing an essay.  Simon had a small table to himself, which he had covered with textbooks and empty sugar packets. The essay he was working on was due the following week and he wanted to get it done so he could spend Sunday not thinking about Emily Dickinson.  
  
He watched the counter for a minute to see which person in the shop shared not only his favorite drink, but also his first name. Normally the Oreo drink was served as a frappuccino but Simon was adamant that coffee should always be served hot.  
  
The barista at the counter stood with the drink in his hand, waiting with a tight lipped customer service smile. And maybe Simon was okay leaving his sentence unfinished and watching him for just a minute because he was pretty good looking. His bangs did that perfect Early Career Justin Bieber flip, and he had pretty eyes that reminded Simon of the ocean.  All of the baristas at the coffee shop on campus were ridiculously hot. Simon thought it must have been a job requirement.  
  
When no one came up to the counter the barista called out the order again. Simon looked around and, when no one stood to claim the drink, he slowly stood from his seat. He walked up to the counter cautiously.  
  
“Um, I’m Simon and I got that a little while ago, but I didn’t order a refill,” Simon said. He felt himself blushing.  
  
The barista smiled at him. “Well, Simon, I guess it’s your lucky day. It’s already paid for.”  
  
Simon looked down to his name tag. “Thanks, Cal.” He slid the drink towards Simon and, with another smile, went back to work. Simon took the warm cup and went back to his seat. He looked around the shop for someone he recognized that would have sent him something.  
  
When his search came up empty, Simon decided it was a computer mistake and took it as a victory. The extra caffeine certainly wouldn’t hurt considering he still didn’t have his thesis or conclusion for this essay figured out. He set the paper cup next to his first empty cup to cool, and got lost for a while in his essay.  
  
It wasn’t until Simon took a drink that he realized there was more written on the side of the cup next to his name. His cheeks burned and his heart raced as he twisted the cup to read ten digits written in perfectly straight handwriting right next to his name. Simon had the urge to trace the writing with his finger. Instead, he looked back up to the counter. Cal was taking a ticket from the very cute dark-skinned guy that Simon recognized from his American Lit class and grinning at something he said.  
  
Simon looked back down to the cup. He didn’t exactly know the protocol for getting a cute boy’s phone number. Cute boys who gave other boys phone numbers at coffee shops weren’t exactly in great supply in Shady Creek. Should he text Cal right now? Should he wait until he was in the safety of his room?  
  
He didn’t want to look ridiculously desperate, so he waited until he was in his dorm with the door shut to type a very cool, very carefully spell-checked text message.  
  
_Hey, it’s Simon, from the coffee shop. Uh, thanks for the coffee. :-) Oreos are my freaking favorite. Also, I can’t actually believe you gave me your number. I can’t believe I’m going to send this._ _  
_ _  
_ To resist pacing his dorm until he got a response, Simon set his phone down and started reluctantly cleaning. Nick complained to him a few times now about the state of their room, and how, if things progressed with Theater Girl Abby he didn’t want to step over his roommate’s dirty clothes if he brought her back to their room. Simon pretended like he understood and was deeply concerned about his best friend’s sex life, and promised to clean.  
  
It wasn’t until he got back from starting his laundry that his phone buzzed loudly on his bedside table.  
  
If no one was there to see him dive for his phone it didn’t actually happen.  
  
_Hey! I’m glad you enjoyed your coffee, you looked like you could use it. If it makes you feel any better, I can’t believe you texted me, or even noticed me._ _  
_ _  
_ Simon couldn’t help his grin even if he tried. In Shady Creek, Simon knew exactly one other queer person, and she was his best friend. The people at his school weren’t completely terrible, but they definitely weren’t progressive. If you were gay in Shady Creek, you kept quiet about it. At Emory, Simon could have a rainbow button on his backpack and he wouldn’t get jockstraps hooked into his locker.  
  
It happened. It was used. High school was the worst.  
  
Simon typed a reply.  
  
_I bet you say that to all the boys you buy coffee for._ _  
_ _  
_ He stared at the three little dots as Cal typed his reply.  
  
_Only the cute ones. :-)_ _  
_ _  
_ Simon spent the rest of the weekend texting Cal. While Simon complained about his Lit paper, he learned that Cal was also from a small town in Georgia and was only out to his mom and best friend from high school. He was also a freshman at Emory, and he was going for an English major. He was a fan of every DC show on television and admitted that he’d seen Simon in the shop and around campus before. He only gave Simon his number after all of his coworkers complained that they were sick of him messing up orders whenever Simon came into the shop. Simon told him all about his love of Oreos and how much it sucked being gay in small town Georgia. Cal couldn't agree more.  
  
His Dickinson paper didn’t decide to write itself over the weekend, so by Sunday night he was feeling the stress of avoiding his homework all weekend in favor of texting. He tried to focus but every time he wrote more than a sentence his music buffered from the shitty campus Wi-Fi, or someone in the hallway screamed about something. He held down the backspace button on his laptop until his entire shitty thesis erased itself from the page, before sighing and shoving his computer off of his lap.  
  
“I think my brain is going to explode,” Simon told Nick and Abby. Nick looked up from where they were cuddled up watching a movie on Nick’s laptop. Nick raised his eyebrow and glanced at Abby, and Simon resisted laughing.  
  
“I think I’m going to go get coffee,” he said as sarcastically as he could. Abby giggled. “Please don’t miss me too much.” Simon grabbed his phone charger and his laptop and escaped.  
  
The sun was just behind the trees as Simon walked across campus. He wanted to send a text to Cal to see if he was working, but he decided against it; it wouldn’t exactly come off as cool and collected if he did.  
  
The bell above the door sounded as Simon walked in, and he frowned a little bit when he didn’t see Cal. He walked up to the register where the cute guy from his American Literature lecture was standing with a soft looking smile.  
  
“Oreo cappuccino, right?” the guy, Bram, from his nametag, asked as Simon stepped up to the counter.  
  
Simon chuckled, feeling a little embarrassed. “I guess I am a regular at this point.” He paid with cash and dumped his change into the tip jar.  
  
Bram smiled at him and set to work making his drink. Simon watched him while he did. He always sat in the front row in the lecture they shared. He was quiet, but he always knew the correct answer right away when their professor called on him. Simon suspected he was one of those really smart people who was also super modest about it; he never started discussions in class, but always managed to hold his own if he got dragged into them. Simon was also pretty sure he’d seen him at Nick’s practices. It was just the two of them in the shop and Simon felt himself getting twitchy.  
  
“How’s your Lit paper coming along?” Simon asked him. He watched as Bram poured perfectly frothed cream on top of his drink, before sprinkling on a few heaping scoops of Oreo crumbles. Simon was pretty sure they were only supposed to use one scoop.  
  
“Not too bad,” Bram replied, reaching for a lid. He held it up in question to Simon, and Simon shook his head. The best part of the drink was fishing out the coffee soaked Oreo pieces before they became total mush. “How’s yours going?”  
  
Simon laughed. “It’s not.”  
  
Bram looked down to the ground and chuckled. “Sorry about that.” Simon stared as his cheeks flushed.  
  
Simon couldn’t figure out why he was apologizing but Bram was holding out his drink, so Simon reached to take it from him. Their fingers touched as Simon took the cup and smiled at Bram again.  
  
“Thanks,” he said, unable to fight his smile. Was this what flirting was like? It was so much more awkward and fluttery than movies made it out to be.  
  
Simon knew he was still banished from his room, so he sat in the shop to try and make a bigger dent his paper. He thought about asking Bram for help, but he figured their teacher would know if he suddenly showed up with an essay that wasn’t riddled with sentence fragments and extra words that definitely, probably, most likely beat around the bush to the point. So instead, he tried to power through it alone.  
  
Simon wanted to hug whoever was controlling the music in the shop. The station was a mix of soft soul and catchy hip-hop and it was doing brilliant things to help Simon focus. He still didn’t have the thesis of his paper perfected, but he busted out an entire conclusion as Otis Redding sang just for him.  
  
A few people came in and out of the shop and Simon couldn’t help but watch Bram as he worked. He was actually pretty adorable; he was sort of awkward and didn’t make too much small talk as he made drinks, but he made them with a practiced ease. Plus, he was incredibly cute. He had slightly big ears and Simon could probably spend days staring at his mouth. After he cleared out a group of girls who all ordered pumpkin concoctions, Bram looked up and smiled to him.  
  
Simon felt himself blushing again. A spot of guilt twisted in his stomach as he remembered Cal. He really shouldn’t be staring at Cal’s coworker if he wanted to try and eventually hang out with Cal outside of text messages. He looked back down to his essay.  
  
It was a little while later, after the sun set over campus, when Bram appeared in front of him. Simon looked up from his essay and smiled politely.  
  
“Are you closing up? I can leave,” Simon offered.  
  
“You’re welcome to stay for a bit and hang out, I just have to start sweeping out here,” he said.  
  
“Oh! No, I’ll get out of your way, I’m probably clear of being banished for straight roommate sex,” Simon said, closing his textbook. He cringed. Bram was a jock and he didn’t technically mean to out himself so casually. Still, Bram laughed at him and Simon grinned. “Hey, by the way, do you know the next time Cal works?”  
  
If Simon hadn’t been looking at right him he might have missed the way Bram’s smile faltered. Simon watched him quickly correct it to a polite one before Simon could say anything.  
  
“I think he opens tomorrow,” Bram said, tone clipped off.  
  
Simon gave him another smile, feeling awkward at the change in Bram’s demeanor. “Thanks. I’ll see you in class?”  
  
“Yeah,” Bram said. Simon watched him squeeze the handle of the broom. “I’ll see you around.”  
  
Simon tried not to think about Bram’s mood shift as he walked back to his dorm. He sent a text to Cal on his walk home with an update about his paper. He didn’t get a reply by the time he got back to the dorms, but Simon suspected that if he was opening he was probably sleeping.  
  
After spending a short amount of time making fun of the way Nick seemed to walk with a spring in his step, Simon settled into his tiny dorm bed, and set his alarm early enough to grab coffee before class.  
  
The truth was, Simon was a little bit obsessed with the boy on the other end of his messages. He was so smart and funny and Simon really wanted to see if he would taste like coffee if he kissed him. He wondered if he wouldn’t have to say anything when he walked in the next morning. They could sneak out on Cal’s break and make out against the wall of the building. Simon turned onto his back and sighed.  
  
Having a roommate sucked sometimes.  
  
Simon woke to his alarm much sooner than he wanted to, and dragged himself through his morning routine. Cal still hadn’t answered his message and Simon tried to pretend like it didn’t bother him. Still, he got ready as quickly as he could and set out for the coffee shop before Nick was even awake.  
  
The shop was busy with its morning rush, so Simon joined the line and watched the staff work.  
  
Cal was making drinks while another barista that he didn’t recognize rang up customers. He tried to catch Cal’s attention without distracting him too much, but Cal seemed to be buried in his work and Simon didn’t want to screw him up.  
  
He gave his order and paid and Cal still didn’t notice him, so he walked towards one of the empty tables to wait. He watched Cal pass out drinks with a friendly smile.  
  
“Oreo cappuccino for Simon?” He called out, and Simon scrambled to stand.  
  
“Hey,” Simon said as he accepted his beverage. He shot Cal his best attempt at a flirtatious smile. “How are you?”  
  
Cal shot him a smile. “I’m doing great, Simon, how are you today?” Simon couldn’t help but notice how polite and customer service friendly it was. His stomach twisted.  
  
Simon mumbled out an answer before hastily taking his coffee. Cal was already back in front of the espresso machines before Simon could say anything else. He left the shop without looking back.  
  
He could hardly pay attention to his morning classes as he thought about the interaction with Cal. Sure, he knew from texting that Cal was shy around cute boys, but Simon thought that spending an entire weekend getting to know him would make Cal see that he could relax around Simon.  
  
At the end of his American Lit lecture, he decided to send another text to Cal, even though he still didn’t get a reply from the one the previous night.  
  
_Hey, you seemed kind of… off at work today, sorry if my showing up threw you off._ _  
_ _  
_ He got a reply back on his walk back to his dorm.  
  
_Simon, I’m really sorry, but I’m not the person you think I am._ _  
_ _  
_ Simon blinked at the message. It was true that they had only been talking for a few days, but he really felt like he did _know_ him. Some of the things they shared were pretty personal.  
  
_Okay… I guess I’m confused because it seemed like things were going really well. I mean, I guess it’s okay if you don’t like me now that you got to know me._ _  
_ _  
_ Simon pretended it didn’t hurt to hit send. His phone buzzed a moment later.  
  
_No, God, I’m sorry, again, but I’m not Cal. I didn’t realize that was who you thought you were talking to. Again, I’m really sorry._ _  
_ _  
_ Simon stared at his phone. _He wasn’t Cal?_ He scrolled rapidly through the pages and pages of texts he shared with who he thought was Cal over the past few days. The person didn’t say too much about classes or even that worked at the coffee shop; Simon just assumed the boy who handed him the drink was the boy whose phone number was written on the side.  
  
It could be anyone. He pulled up the keyboard to type a reply.  
  
_Who are you?_ _  
_ _  
_ He didn’t get a response. He wasn’t sure if he expected to, but as his phone stayed silent for the rest of the afternoon Simon’s hope diminished. He was tempted to march into the coffee shop and stake out until someone showed themselves, but he promised Abby he would sit with her at Nick’s practice that night.  
  
And besides, ogling soccer boys would get his mind off barista boys.  
  
After dumping his things off at his dorm and grabbing a sweatshirt, Simon headed towards the soccer field. He found Abby through a series of ‘where are you’ texts, and let her pull him into a hug. Maybe he was feeling a bit sorry for himself, and the affection was nice. Abby linked her arm through his and they walked towards the field.  
  
The school’s soccer team wasn’t as popular as their football team, so Simon and Abby found a spot in the grass right near the sidelines. It was a perfect height to stare at soccer calves as he and Abby chatted.  
  
Simon watched for a little while as Nick ran drills with some of his teammates. He recognized a few of them from class, and even Cute Barista Bram from the coffee shop. He watched Bram kick the ball back and forth with one of his teammates, breathing heavily as he jogged along through the cones.  
  
Abby leaned her head against Simon’s shoulder, and Simon looked away from the soccer boys.  
  
“You’re quiet,” Abby told him. She poked his cheek.  
  
Simon chuckled. “Weird day.”  
  
“Wanna talk about it?” Abby asked.  
  
Did he want to talk about how he thought he was flirting with a cute barista for days, but as it turned out, he actually had no idea who he told personal details to and was hitting on? And should he talk about how he couldn’t get the person off of his mind, even though he had no idea who they were or what they looked like? Where would he even start?  
  
“I’ll be okay,” Simon told her, smiling.  
  
Simon tried not to think about it through Nick’s practice, but by the time he got back to the dorms it was all that was on his mind. He thought he had such a real connection with the person he was texting, and now the guy wasn’t answering Simon back. And maybe it was a little crazy, but Simon didn’t even care that he wasn’t Cal. Simon wanted to meet the person on the other end of the texts. He went back through and read every single one, and fell even harder.  
  
He drafted a text that night, rereading it over and over before sending it off.  
  
_I promise this will be my last message. I’m just… really sorry I messed things up and didn’t realize who you were. But I wanted to let you know that I just spent all night reading over our messages, again, and I feel like I do know you. I don’t know your name but I know that you’re smart and kind and I’d really like to get to know you better. I honestly can’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t like you in real life. If you want, I’ll be outside the coffee shop tomorrow morning before my Lit lecture; I’d love to meet you._   
  
He didn’t sleep for a minute. His phone said the message was delivered but when he blinked his eyes awake at the sound of his alarm the following morning, he still didn't have a reply. Still, Simon got ready, taking care to make sure he brushed his teeth and flossed and applied a liberal amount of deodorant, before gathering his books and walking towards the coffee shop.  
  
He wasn’t entirely sure what he was expecting as he walked towards the shop. He didn’t think the person he was texting was a grand gesture kind of guy, so when there wasn’t a pile of roses and balloons in front of the shop, Simon wasn’t surprised. He looked around for someone to catch his eye, and deflated when no one did. After finding an empty bench to sit, Simon pulled his phone out of his pocket. He still didn’t have any messages and he was going to have to start walking towards the English Wing if he wanted to get a decent seat.  
  
Simon stared at his phone screen, hoping if he watched it long enough, three dots would appear with a message saying the person was on their way. That they were just running late.  
  
“Oreo cappuccino?”  
  
Simon looked up. Cute Barista Bram was standing in front of him, holding a paper cup. Simon frowned.  
  
“I didn’t order one.”  
  
Bram was breathing heavily, like he just got done running. He chuckled softly. “I know.”  
  
Simon sat up.  
  
“It’s you.”  
  
“Sorry I’m late, I just got your text. If I close the shop I don’t usually get up until class starts.”  
  
Simon stared at him. He looked like he just rolled out of bed and ran here; he was wearing a soft looking pair of soccer shorts and an old t-shirt. Simon felt fluttery and awake and he hadn’t even had a sip of coffee. Simon’s eyes flicked down to Bram’s mouth, and he very desperately wanted to kiss it.  
  
“I can’t believe I didn’t realize it was you,” Simon eventually said. “I feel like an idiot.”  
  
Bram looked to the ground. “You shouldn’t. I read our messages last night too. I wasn’t exactly forthcoming on information.”  
  
“You really weren’t,” Simon said. He smiled when Bram looked up, and Bram smiled back.  
  
Simon’s phone dinged with a notification and he looked at the clock. “Shit, we have class.” He thought about suggesting they skip, but Bram didn’t really seem like the kind of guy that would miss class for anything.  
  
They walked together as Simon sipped his coffee; he smiled when he tasted all of the extra mushy Oreo pieces. It was almost more Oreo than coffee; Simon was in love. In class, Bram followed him to his seat and took the one next to him.  
  
He didn’t think he’d ever been more distracted during a lecture. Bram was left handed, and all of the notes he took were in the same perfectly straight handwriting as the phone number on Simon’s cup. At one point Bram nudged his knee with his, and Simon spent the rest of the lecture staring at the brown skin peeking out from under the jersey fabric shorts.  
  
When the professor released them for the day, Simon turned to Bram. “Do you have a class after this?”  
  
Bram looked at him, eyes twinkling with mischief. Simon wanted to memorize the expression. “Not until two.”  
  
Simon grinned at him. “Do you want to see my dorm?” Bram nodded and grinned back. It started to rain while they were in class, and they made it across campus to Simon’s building in record time.  
  
By some miracle Nick was gone when they got into the building. He had to face the judgy look from his RA, but he shut the door behind them and forgot about her. Simon wiped his glasses off on a dry spot on his shirt. When he put them back on he watched Bram look around his room.  
  
“Elliott Smith,” Bram said, pointing to one of Simon’s posters. “Cool.”  
  
“You know Elliott Smith?” Simon asked. Bram nodded, and Simon wanted to kiss him right there. But he had one more question he just had to figure out the answer to.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me who you were when I asked?” Simon asked. Bram sat on his bed and Simon sat on Nick’s across from him. Their knees almost touched.  
  
Bram looked down to his hands and Simon followed his glance. He watched as Bram twisted his fingers together.  
  
“You wanted me to be Cal, and I obviously am not him, and definitely don’t look like him.”  
  
“Yeah, you’re way cuter,” Simon said. Bram chuckled.  
  
“I mean, I was serious when I said I noticed you in the shop a bunch of times. My coworkers were ready to ban you from the shop.” Simon laughed and Bram smiled to himself. He wished he could have seen Cute Barista Bram fumbling over himself. It was kind of his new life mission. “I don’t think you really realize how cute you are when you’re focused on homework. So, when you asked about Cal, I thought you were only coming to the shop for him, and when I realized you thought you were texting Cal—”  
  
“I didn’t really think. My sisters call it Simon Logic,” Simon said. Bram was still looking at his hands. “I was confused at first, but I fell really hard for the guy I was texting. Like, really fell.”  
  
Bram finally looked up. Simon scooted forward so their knees touched. Bram brought his hand to Simon’s cheek.  
  
Simon leaned forward and pressed their lips together. The rain tapped against the windows as Simon stood so he could push closer to Bram. Bram twisted his fingers into Simon’s shirt. And God, Simon didn’t know why he waited so long to kiss a cute boy, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life making up for it.  
  
It felt like the start of something great. Like a really big deal. And he wanted it to be.  
  
*  
  
Three weeks into their relationship Bram’s boss taped a note to the Oreo crumbles container that said ONE SCOOP PER CUP. Every single one of his coworkers laughed when Bram saw the note. Simon laughed for five minutes when Bram showed it to him.  
  
Bram heaped on the Oreos anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> So last night I sent Paige a message that said, "I have so many things I should be writing but all i want to do is write a Simon Vs. Coffee Shop AU". And then less than 24 hours later, here we are. Shutout to her for fueling my fire and helping me figure out some of the details of this. Go do yourself a favor and read her stories if you haven't. You won't regret it. 
> 
> [my tumblr](http://cutebramgreenfeld.tumblr.com) if you want to send me fic ideas or just say hi.


End file.
